“For some reason, you will no longer be the person you believed you once were. You’ll detect slow and subtle shifts going on all around you, more importantly shifts in you. Worse, you’ll realize it’s always been shifting, like a shimmer of sorts, a vast shimmer, only dark like a room. But you won’t understand why or how.”—Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves (via splitterherzen)
I feel as though I’ve taken the right steps to being independent and have matured beyond just wanting sex. Granted on a personal level I’m ready but when it come to the actual game of dating I can’t play. I want to hold on to that innocence, it’s what makes my approaches and words genuine and raw. Being skilled at dating just makes a person hard and cold and honestly I’m starting to date to avoid that. Hopefully it all works out.
If it’s a test of trust then so be it. I put my trust in God. I have no time to fight my religion nor do I have the time or resources to rationalize myself out of it. Holy is The Lord almighty. I am a gay Christian and just I as I couldn’t turn on my homosexuality I cannot turn on my Christianity. Just as being gay is part of me so is Christianity. As I once transitioned away from looking at being gay as a curse I need to stop thinking of my Christianity as a shackle to the weight of my guilt.
I’m finally starting to feel again. The eternal numbness and despair I felt for most of my life is fading and I’m beginning to truly feel. I no longer kill my emotions and feelings in my head. I feel them in my chest, I feel them in my heart. I rather feel and take the risk of being hurt than to be cold and indifferent to the world.